apricity
“Hold on… I’m high” she announces, passing back the joint into my cold fingertips as if she is only realizing it too, just as the words escape her mouth. I laugh as I take the joint from her hand, taking one more puff before putting it out and basking in the view. Misty mountains, cool water, bare trees. We talk about whatever little things float their way from our souls into the atmosphere. I love these types of conversations and so does she, so we just enjoy it. I talk about how I feel like there is a fire in my gut and every time I follow it, I'm always lead to where I truly need to be. Follow the fire. She tells me how it feels crazy that she’s been watching my life unfold here all through the screen of her phone, through photos, videos or words and she’s now here, getting to enjoy it too. I start to tear up, realizing this is the first time I’ve been able to show this beautiful little life I’ve found to someone. This is the first time I’ve been able to voice about all the things I’ve learnt, have the “this is where I like to come to see something beautiful” chats and all the little ways of life to someone who feels just as excited about it as I do. I think of my family in that moment. Bek had just moved to Canada and I was 5 months in. There were lots of little things I could guide her on, almost like a conversation with my past self. The dynamic we had made me realize how much has changed in just a short amount of time. It really wasn’t that long ago that it was me, wondering where I’d end up living, working and thriving. “I am living proof that it all falls into place”.
A northern hemisphere winter seems to have a higher capacity to drain the best parts of you, the ones that make you feel enthusiastic to be waking up everyday and giving it your all. I’m going to put this down to the lack of vitamin D we’re exposed to. Partly because I feel the difference in my zest when the sun is out and partly because the second I started taking vitamin D supplements everyday, things felt a lot lighter, brighter. There are a lot of things out of my control that have interfered with my quality of life, whether it be the water that leaks through my shoes on a rainy walk home, leaving me with saturated socks and toes that I fear I may lose to hypothermia or the daunting thought of visiting the supermarket for the bare minimum essentials and leaving with three items and half a pay check less, but regardless of these things, I really like this chapter of my life. It’s filled with little stress and I feel this sense of peace in my life that I don’t remember experiencing before. I feel in control, maybe not of everything I’d like, but of a lot more than I realized I was actually capable of. Did the regular binge drinking really take this much of my life? Am I feeling this good because of the life I’m living or is it because I am no consuming too many alcoholic beverages every weekend that life feels like this, either way - I feel nice here. I feel present. I know I will miss this time and I really am just being in it. I always wondered if I’d find this emotion, if I’d ever get to feel truly invested in the right now rather than the yesterdays or tomorrows, but right now in my life, I am so content by trusting that if I follow the fire, I will be lead to the right places. So for this moment, I can just sit back and enjoy this moment in time.
I always find I write a lot when sad. It seems the deeper the emotions, the easier it is to get it all out and jot it all down. Sometimes I read back on those sad times and think damn, she had it tough, I wish I could show her what she did not yet know, but whenever I’m down I always wish I wrote myself letters to find in the dark. A letter to remind myself that this light there within her somewhere. I know you tell yourself you can’t see how it could improve, when it’s going to happen, how things could change for the better, but I’m telling you, they do, trust that. This is the little letter from good me to bad me to find when she’s in the dark. I exist too.
Apricity
(noun); The warmth of the sun in winter.
If you read my blogs and enjoy them, please do reach out and send your love, it is always appreciated. - Holly