the drunk walk home

I think until only very recently, I’ve always had the belief that you reach a certain day in your life where it all just becomes.. smooth sailing. I’d say that subconsciously I had just decided that while that day may not be today, a day does come where there’s no longer any stress or heartbreak and you just sit in your perfect house with a fridge that has an ice dispenser in the door (and maybe a touch screen that connects to facebook? I’ve heard they can do that now?) You don’t need to worry anymore because your bank account is healthy and now you just get to relax (on your super comfy, expensive sofa… just like in the movies).

I have also had the belief that I am the one to bring the bad on myself, to the point it consumes how I act in the world. For example, a few weeks ago, I accidentally took a chocolate bar from the store without paying for it and when I realised, I had to go back to hand over my money- not to do “the right thing” but because there is a strong belief inside of me that if something bad were to happen after that, it would have been my own poor actions that brought upon my ill fate. Therefore, I am constantly tip toeing around the bad to avoid welcoming it into my life. Do they call this karma?

I’ve had the harsh realisation that life will most likely continue to throw curve balls, make me cry, present me with beautiful things just to take them away and it will never stop until I take my last breath, how annoying.But can I bring negative consequences my way by accidentally stealing a chocolate bar? If they never found out, would I actually be attracting bad? I can’t know for sure, this is just a belief I carry, I probably always will.

Yet it is an uncomfortable/empowering experience to watch my other beliefs become challenged. If I generously give the love in my heart away, to whomever needs it, it will return to me when I need it back. When my beliefs don’t align with my reality, it is often not the world I feel angry at but more my own mind that fed me these thought patterns to begin with. Oh what fun it is to ride in a war inside your mind.

Understanding and identifying the belief systems I have put in place for myself for the majority of my life have helped me let go of the ones that do not serve me. I’m not waiting around for the day it all gets smoother, disappointed each morning I wake up and my fridge doesn’t connect to facebook because that belief keeps me in the waiting, in the letdown. I’m trying to let go of being so consumed by the concept of karma that I need to watch every step I take.. (should’ve just taken the chocolate bar and ran?). I’m realising that I don’t need to generously give my good to people in hopes it will stop the bad from making it’s way to me. I can stop pouring my goodness into cups with holes and no spout attached to share any back. You cannot pour love into a cup with holes and expect you’ll have a warm mug of tea waiting for you to indulge in when you need it.

There was a fire inside of me before I left Australia for the third time. I bought my website domain, started writing blogs and felt this strong commitment to myself- to explore a new corner of the world in hopes it would allow me to access new creative parts of myself. Canada, here I come. I stayed committed for a while, but like most things I plan to stay committed to (gym, hobbies, saving money.. help), the fire inevitably died down. I got swept up in other things and I forgot about myself for a little while in the process of trying to fit into a new place.

I used to smoke weed because I loved the way it allowed me to access creative parts of my mind, it then became a necessary means to bring my stress down from the chaotic lifestyle I somehow slipped into. I used to drink because I loved connecting with people through laughter and fun, it then became a necessary means to give me a break from my mind and rebel against the whispering voice inside of me that kept saying, over and over again, this isn’t how it was supposed to be.

My beliefs become watered or they become parched from whatever it is I surround myself by. If you tell me I’m a good friend, I want to keep being a good friend, I believe it. If you don’t see my good, I begin to believe there isn’t any. I know who I have to blame for this.. it’s me. It is where I allow the external to have way too much control over my internal. I never let my own mind and knowing actually take the wheel of the beliefs I have about myself.

We are all bags of flesh walking around with silly little beliefs that we’ve adopted over time, through experience, through our parents, our teachers, through our own minds. Subconsciously or not, everyone’s got a set of them.

So lately, I have tried catching them, the subconscious patterns that lead me to places, mentally and physically that I don’t actually come alive in. I have thrown away the cups that never held onto the warmth I poured into them, not in the delicate way I now know I am deserving of.

I am, very proudly, about to hit a whole year off of alcohol. What an eye opening and uncomfortable experience this has been. One of my favourite past times of indulging in a few too many was the drunk walk home. Messy, unsteady, spontaneous and fun.

I think about this past year of coming back to myself, of letting go of beliefs, about myself and the control I have of the world around me. I am messily, unsteadily and spontaneously coming back to myself.

This is the drunk walk home.

If you read my blogs and enjoy them, please do reach out and send your love, it is always appreciated. - Holly