dancing in the dark

There is a place I’ve been where the sun shines on most days and even when it doesn’t - there’s a humming in the air that changes the vibrations of my being- to something good. The ability to stop and smell the flowers is always running through me and the tears I feel running down my cheeks are from joy, from the beauty of life being too overwhelming. I love this place and every time I go there, I know it. I look around and take it all in, walking down every sunny lane and looking in every single direction to absorb it all.

There is a place I’ve been where the sun visits on the odd occasion and even when she does, the warmth isn’t there. The cold gets into my bones and makes my muscles clench against them. There are no flowers for me to stop and smell and the tears running down my face are from life, the worst parts of it. I deter this place and every time I go there, I know it. I look around and beat myself up for the lack of ability I have to figure out a way to turn these dull days into better ones. To find a way to dance in the dark.

I wish I could choose, I wish it was up to me on where I was going to find myself on the daily, but sometimes, it is beyond my control. Sometimes I show up in the dark every day and need to patiently wait to wake up to a bright one. It wasn’t yesterday and it isn’t today, but it might be tomorrow. It’s going to be one of these days, because I’ve been here before. I’ve danced in this rain and I’ve find myself in the sun again. Trust.

For the days I have it all but don’t feel like I have it all, I’m thankful for the space between my weighted duvet and my soft mattress, wrapping themselves around me, a shield, stay here a little while. To watch the days go from long to short and to feel the sun pull away on the love she gave you for months. To stay inside because it is raining and dark out. To ache for how things were only just a few months ago. To feel, and to know how much it hurts to do that sometimes.

I write myself little notes, little words of encouragement, to do lists, goals, desires, things I want to happen. I’ve done this for years. And I’ve written myself letters for these times, letters from beyond the dark. Reminders, there is more to you than this. You are more than this. There is more beauty to come. And it’s comforting to hear those things- from myself, from the person who has come with me everywhere I’ve gone, everywhere I’ve lived, everyone I’ve known. I hold trust in her, the person who has walked with me through every bright and dark day, who got me to where I am today. I’ll hold her hand, stare into her bright eyes and dance in the dark.

If you read my blogs and enjoy them, please do reach out and send your love, it is always appreciated. - Holly