me, my mind and i

One of my most favourite aspects of gauging through life solo is all the versions of myself I get to discover in people without the influence of someone else morphing the person I get to show up as. The more people you meet, conversations you throw yourself into and dynamics you explore with others, the more you learn of yourself, the more you can understand what it means to be you. There are people that bring out different sides of you and there are parts of you that come with you wherever you go and whoever you may be with. I like finding the difference. Sometimes it’s really enjoyable. Like when someone references a show you watch only alone at home in bed at 11pm. A smile. You understand me. When you’re finally in company with people who articulate sentences and emotions in a way you know again, ones that make you feel seen, you understand me. I feel like in apart of being understood by someone, apart of that knowing, makes us sacrifice ourselves to them a little. It makes us voluntarily take out a piece of our soul and place it in them. I’ve spread myself out all across the world. In drunken conversations with people in hometown sports clubs that I hardly spoke to in high school. In the owner of a hostel I stayed at in Portugal, who drove me home from a rave in the mountains when he saw how nervous I was about driving home with drunk people, never get in the car with someone who’s been drinking Holly. I promise I won’t. I’ve left parts of myself in conversations with people in line to see my favourite artists in concert, people I know so well for 30 minutes only and maybe when we bump into each other in the washroom mid set. And i’ve left myself in the friends, the ever growing list of amazing people I continue to come across, the ones that make me learn more about myself, discover new versions of myself. I’ve left parts of me there, in them. There are parts of you that stay with people, that you only get to experience in their presence, maybe that’s why grief consumes humans the way it does, because apart of us is within them and we will never get to be that person again, apart of us leaves too. Living abroad on my own and collecting various experiences in life has also shown me what parts of me are me and will come with me wherever I go, whoever I may be with. I find it refines who I am and teaches me about what parts of myself are issues I have wherever I go and what parts of myself amplify the experience of living, for not just me, but for those around me too. What parts do I like about myself and what parts do I detest?

I never need to write it down on my packing list or remember it with me when I leave the house everyday, it will always come with me. There is a part of my mind that is against me, wants to hurt me and hold me back from living the life I desire, the one where it feels good. I don’t carry it everyday, sometimes I even forget how it feels, but like clockwork, it always comes back. How much longer will it feel like this? When will I feel like myself again? Trust, I tell myself, laying on a wet pillow case while stroking my hair back from sticking to my tear covered cheeks. The pain you feel in your core will ease and you will be okay. And I know that. I know better days are coming but it doesn’t change the way the days are feeling now. As the seasons change and the leaves begin to fall, so do I. I fall into this part, a slightly uncomfortable chapter of once again losing the battle and letting the haze drive for a little while. Coast through, coast through it. In a way, this time could actually be really exciting, because whenever it goes dark for a while, it then goes so bright, to new levels of joy… Imagine what that’s gonna look like. The leaves begin to fall and in standard fashion, so do I. Wilting into the roots of myself again, forced to hibernate, reevaluate and bloom again in time. The inevitable bloom.

That is only one part of me, only one part of my mind. To only give attention to one would not be fair. There’s apart of me who lights up in rooms full of vibrant people, unapologetically allows the offensive sounding laughter out of her core because it feels so god damn good to do so, basks in days when she smiles at the sun and the sun smiles back. There are songs that follow me in every chapter, every season, ones that still feel the same as they did that first time. Thoughts of myself that feel nice. Catching myself in the mirror and loving the person who stares back, look how far you’ve come, look at you go. Those parts come with me everywhere I go too. I must remember to embrace all of it, all of the seasons of my mind.

If you read my blogs and enjoy them, please do reach out and send your love, it is always appreciated. - Holly