hello old friend
Euphoria is a state that I regularly desire to be in yet understand for it to have gravity, for it to have the power that it does, there must be only small amounts, possibly only once or twice in a lifetime.
A sharp, loud beep, the oyster reader barks at me as I tap my card, embarking on my first tube ride in nearly 3 years, met with all the sounds that were once so familiar to me. “Please mind the gap between the train and the platform, this is a piccadilly line service to Cockfosters.” 6 quick, loud beeps and the swooping of the doors closing. My body along with all the other commuters slightly jerking as the train begins to move.
The tube is either one of two things; above ground, filled with people who’s necks are bent into their phone, a book and the odd person leaning on the perspex at the end of the seats, taking advantage of the time for a quick nap. The other is underground, away from phone coverage where everyone just mindlessly stares, never at each other, a bizarre yet calm place, everyone knows that we’re all here to keep to ourselves, zone out from this wild life in this little window of nothing. It is an unspoken rule, you don’t engage with others on the underground.
The commute from Heathrow Airport to where I was going is above ground, so in tube etiquette, my face should have been glued to the screen of my phone, yet, I couldn’t look down, being here in this was a moment I’d missed, it would be a dishonour to myself to not be in it properly. I looked around, smiling, enjoying the giddiness within me that I hadn’t felt in a long while, even if we were in zone 6, where there is nothing worth smiling about. A few people looked up at me, confused, cautious and I felt a little out of place for breaking the unspoken tube rules, these people probably think I’m crazy, maybe I am a little crazy. The train rattled along, I continued to smile at nothing and we were slowly approaching my stop, my old home, my little place in the world, Hammersmith. The place I spent 5 years of my life, learning the ways of adulthood, becoming me, the me I had missed, so god damn much. “The next station is, Hammersmith, this is a piccadilly line service to cockfosters”. From the pits of my stomach I felt it climb through my chest, up my throat and out of me through tears in my eyes and an uncontrollable smile on my face, joy. It was a possibility that I looked crazy earlier but it is certain that I look crazy now. I stepped off the train and snapped a photo in front of the Hammersmith sign to send to my family. Sometimes it hurts to be in these moments alone. My skin stretched as if the joy had no where else to go, it was so powerful that I was adamant that people surrounding me could feel it, receive the secondhand joy that I could feel pouring out of me.
We’ve all played with magnets, flipping them from positive-positive to negative-negative, feeling the attraction and repel, an invisible force. As I stepped outside of Hammersmith Station, I felt that same force within me, the joy I was carrying became magnetised to the riverside, a place I had dreamed of weekly for years, ached to just be there, doing nothing, just being in that place, absorbing the atmosphere. My feet couldn’t keep up with my soul, I began to skip, forced to be closer to where I was going and release the joy. I once again looked crazy but I didn’t care, I was overwhelmed with emotion. Tears kept begging to make their way out of my face and as I tried to hold it together, I saw the bridge and the flood gates were opened. I ran down to the riverside and leant over the ledge, looking at the bridge, the water, the paths and pubs, this place. I had spent years day dreaming about being right here again and then it overcame me, euphoria. It was the best high I have ever known, a dream come true. My soul wanted to jump out, hug me, thank me and run absolutely wild. I thought my skin was about to tear, euphoric joy attempting to burst it open as it was too much for my body to handle. My past self, this is for you. This is for all those nights you ached to be wandering around aimlessly again, looking at things that make your soul happy, beautiful things.
We did it Hol, we did it.
If you read my blogs and enjoy them, please do reach out and send your love, it is always appreciated. - Holly