the rain

People watching in a cafe tucked away on the east end of 40th street. Whoever wrote a good review for this place on a Google needs a good telling off. The empty plate of my below average breakfast that cost me $40AUD stares back at me and as I feel it all begin to digest, I realise I have eaten too much. I think I might stay here a while longer. Outside is humid and humidity is my arch enemy, that and loneliness, which is another nemesis that’s decided to join me this morning. On their own, I’d probably be feeling quite resilient, but the two of them in collaboration feels like an attack on my mojo and due to the dysfunctional state that is my body clock (three time zones in 2 weeks), I don’t have the usual energy to battle them.

“Im going to sit here with you okay?” He asks, although I doubt my answer will effect the outcome. “No” I say firmly, holding eye contact when I do and immediately breaking as soon as the words have left my mouth, not knowing what would happen if I said yes, not knowing what would happen if I said no either, but not willing to take the chance of a yes. I unintentionally locked eyes with him as I came onto the subway train and I watched him watch me step on, immediately feeling the heightened awareness of his gaze throughout my body. My back was to him as I walked to find a seat yet I could feel him following me to my seat. “Yes I will sit here” he tells me. Although initially taken aback by his response, I felt at ease knowing there were people around me who even though were not looking at us, I could tell were listening. He sat in front of me, his head bobbling like one of those little toy dogs that nod at you in the back of the rear window of a car, teeth dominating his face, half man, half rat, a jewish hat sitting atop of his balding head. He started slurring at me, not as if he was intoxicated but as if he had lost his mind a little. “From Brooklyn, I gotta get to Brooklyn, that’s where I’m from, what’s your name?” I ponder on whether I should tell him or if I should use a fake name. I know he wont be able to do anything with my real one, I just don’t want him having any access to me. I need to start thinking of a fake name to use in times like this. Shit, he’s reading my face, as if he knows I’m about to lie to him. “Holly” I answer. Shit. His eyes are big, his teeth feel like they’re jumping out of his mouth and crawling over my face. He continues to bobbling his head at me. “Holly”. I hadn’t memorised the name of the stop I was getting off because I knew I could just double check on my phone in a few stops and see where I was. “Where are you getting off?” “I don’t know” (truly rat man, I have no idea). I noticed him staring at my phone which was held against my chest as I crossed my arms. I clutched it a little tighter. I watched his eyes go up to my face and then back down to my phone, or my cleavage. FUCK. I wish I had put my sweater on before I got on this god damn train. Now I have to sit here at 12.51pm and be harassed and gawked at by this rat. Dear universe, when I said send me a man, I probably should have been more specific. He continued to talk at me and the more he spoke, the more uncomfortable I became. I don’t need this today sir. My face started to swell yet I had to hold it all in, I was not letting this man know how uncomfortable he was making me feel. “I’d like to sit on my own now” I said as he kept bobbling his head at me. “Okay Holly, I will see you soon okay? We can be friends now because we’re nice to each other. I’ve gotta get to Brooklyn, to see my mum, I’m going to Brooklyn”. I shifted my eye sight out the window to give off the illusion he no longer had my attention in hopes he would move away. The rolling lights in the tunnel had only the attention of my eyes, everything else in my body was in defence mode and focussed on the fact he was there, looking at me. He got up, walked about 2 metres down the carriage, came back and started shouting into his phone held away from his face, looking at me to make sure I was watching him. “YES, IM COMING OKAY? IM COMING!” Tears welling up in my eyes, I don’t like this. Can someone please speak up and tell this man to leave me alone? The train stops, he stands up, looks at me as I am looking away from him and bids me farewell. I give him a half smile, scared if I don’t he could snap. He steps off, the doors close and the way he made me feel lingers. It lingers for a while after.

I always told myself there would be rain. I know there simply cannot be flowers without it. Yet I can never prepare myself for what that rain might look like. Today, it’s being sat here, listening to the conversations of those around me, business meetings, dates, catch-ups with an old friend and feeling all alone in this big world that I have never belonged in. Today the rain is in the form of a man who reminded me that it really can be a scary world out there. It’s funny that I spent all those evenings in my bed at home, cuddled up to my dog, squeezing my eyes shut wanting to be here and here I am now, squeezing my eyes shut, wanting to be in my bed at home, cuddled up with my dog. Today I am craving that sense of comfort and the world feels a little too overwhelming. The silver lining is- I know that every single time I’ve felt this way, I’ve always found a way back to myself, better than ever, somehow. I always told myself there would be flowers but I can’t prepare myself for what those flowers might look like. So for today, I accept it for what it is. A day of rain, metaphorically and quite literally. A day of feeling a little under the weather, a little sad and a little homesick and very much on the outside of my comfort zone. It is not always the beautiful things, it is these moments too and I will sit in this rain with grace and wait for the flowers to bloom.

If you read my blogs and enjoy them, please do reach out and send your love, it is always appreciated. - Holly