new york is a fling
Upon my arrival to London, it felt like coming home. The streets greeted me like an old friend and I instantly felt a sense of belonging as I roamed around the places that used to be my day to day surroundings. London is a long term relationship, New York is a fling. The moment I realised this, I was able to stop searching for that same feeling of home within unfamiliar streets and enjoy it for what it was, something I didn’t know very well, not the way I knew London but that didn’t mean I couldn’t find the magic in New York for what it was, London is a long term relationship, New York is a fling.
“Are you high right now?” I ask her with shock while feeling the lightbulb go off in my head, this girl is high as shit. She giggles at me while sitting up in her bottom bunk of the hostel dorm, handing something to me. “I got these weed gummies from the shop and I had like.. half of one, they’re really good” she says with her eyes glassed and failing to completely focus on me. “Do you want one? It might help you sleep”. I take the packet from her hands, a white plastic zip lock bag filled with about 10 red, sugar coated gummies. Innocent. While I debate in my head whether this was a good idea, she informs me of where she got them and what the man at the shop told her about them. “I’d probably start with a quarter and see how you go, they’re really strong” Clearly. At this point, I’m already struggling with major exhaustion and who knows what state of mind these will put me in. It takes me a while to decide due to the snail like speed of my over-tired, hungover brain when I eventually come to a decision. “Nah, I better not.” “That’s so completely fair, I can leave them by my bed if you decide you want one”. I like when people hold space for my choices. I like this girl. “What’s your name by the way?” “Isabel, yours?” “Holly”.
We never really exchanged in-depth conversations about who we were outside of that moment but we didn’t really need to, there was a bond immediately there that left us both comfortable to fall into this short-term friendship and that we did.
“How about we go into the city?” she asks me as we navigate our way around streets neither of us know. “Theres not a chance I’m going into the city tonight, plus from this side of the river, you can see the skyline and I like that.” “Okay, okay, how about we just go for drinks at the rooftop and then when it closes, see how we go, head into the city or something?” I roll my eyes, “God damn, okay.”
The city skyline stares back at me, big, grand, powerful. I don’t know the words to explain how it feels different in real life than what it does to see it on canvases in doctors surgeries or on the lounge room walls in your friends share house. The New York City skyline jumps out at you and you can feel it in your soul by just viewing it with your eyes. Mesmerised by the view, capturing it on my phone, I always want to remember this moment, I turned to follow Isabel to a seat by the bar and my eyes meet his.
Tucked in the corner of a dimly lit bar in Brooklyn, he leans into my ear so I can hear him over the music, “I noticed you as soon as you walked in”. Instant butterflies. “I noticed you too” I reply to him as I turn to watch Isabel at the bar, taking a bite of a burger that belongs to a man she sat next to approximately 2 minutes ago, god I love this girl. “I think they’re doing well” I laugh to him, pointing to the bar. He wraps his arm around me, “I think we’re doing well”. I rest my head on his shoulder and smile firstly at Isabel enjoying her second dinner but more at the fact I’m being held by him. Just enjoy it Holly. I watch him talk to his friends across the table and I make sure to not make it obvious that I’m watching him, even though I am, watching him laugh with them then look back at me to check I’m still there, our eyes meet, I’m still here. When we walk, he holds my hand and my thoughts float to other men from the past that I have also held the hands of with the same giddiness that has eventually lead to the same disappointment. Just enjoy it Holly. His lips have never touched mine, not yet, but I know at some point in the next hour or two that they will and that anticipation is almost as exciting as the kiss itself. Just enjoy it Holly.
I hear Isabel rustling around in her bed and I instantly lift the curtain between our bunks, forcing her up. “Sorry if you’re not ready to wake up yet, but we have a lot to discuss.” Sometimes, the best kind of conversations are those with your friend after a night out, recounting the events, revisiting the laughter shared only hours before. Sometimes it’s not the time spent with a man that is the most enjoyable thing, it’s recounting it all to your friends afterwards and sometimes it’s just sharing bagels, giggles and a new found giddiness over last nights romantic encounter along the East River while the New York sun kisses your hungover skin back to life.
“Do you want to meet later? I can bring a friend for Isabel if she’s keen? x”
“I’m down and Isabel said she’s keen x”
Night falls and we hop in an Uber. I feel like a teenager again, going to meet two boys with a friend. I like this feeling. I missed this feeling. We sit at the bar for a while before they arrive, chatting, anticipating their arrival. He kisses me to say hello, like it is something we’d done plenty of times before.Just enjoy it Holly. Our romance is one day old, the one between Isabel and the new boy is one minute old and watching to see if sparks fly is where I’m getting half my excitement tonight, the other half being from his hand resting on my thigh under the table while we all discuss if we like the new pumpkin cider I’m drinking. Just enjoy it Holly.
I wake up next to him and immediately wish I was waking up in the hostel dorm, with Isabel on the other side of the curtain. We have a lot to discuss. He drops me home, Isabel is still out and I really wish she were here. I need someone to relay the rest of my night to, someone to laugh with, someone to lift my spirits. It’s not a feeling I’m unfamiliar with, waking up next to somebody and feeling a distance that wasn’t there the night before, a magnet seeking to attract only to find it is now being repelled, discarded. Just enjoy it Holly. I lay on my bed, the bottom bunk in the dorm, feel the loneliness sting, sit in the silence and await her arrival home.
“I might take you up on that offer of the gummy if you have any left?” “Okay but seriously, start with a quarter” “Do you reckon this is too much?” I hold my tongue out to show her the portion I’d bitten off. “Yes” I bite it in half and reluctantly hand her the spit soaked remainder of the gummy. She takes it off me. “You might want it later, I’ll leave it here”. After more laughter and chit chat, she eventually leaves for dinner with a family friend and it’s as if the second she closes the door that it hits me. Hello anxiety, my dear old friend.
I force myself out of bed, it is my last night in this city and I will not let this feeling ruin the opportunity to soak up the last of it. I somehow navigate my high as a kite, anxiety riddled self through the dreaded subway and arrive at Dumbo to sit by the Brooklyn Bridge and watch the sunset, a lifelong dream of mine. I am met with the same feeling I had of that on the rooftop bar. The New York Skyline, there it is and it is mine, I can feel it. Here, I am alone but I am not lonely. I watch the sky turn from blue to pink to black and reflect on my week in this city. Tomorrow I move to Canada and my new life begins, I am ready. My phone lights up, Isabel sends me a photo of her dinner and asks me what I’m doing. I send her a photo back of my view. I’m thankful for her in that moment and realise how much I’ll miss waking up to share laughter with her, even if it was only for a few days. New York is a fling.
If you read my blogs and enjoy them, please do reach out and send your love, it is always appreciated. - Holly